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spike bullet May 1999 - Respect

What is Respect in the Workplace?
Some examples
Survey says: Supportive bosses key to satisfaction at work
Books, Internet Resources and Humor

What is Respect in the Workplace?

We define Respect as Respect of self and of others.  Respect includes: respect for the environment;  respect for other people's privacy, their physical space and belongings;  and respect for different viewpoints, philosophies, religion, gender, lifestyle, ethnic origin, physical ability, beliefs and personality.

We chose the topic for this month several weeks ago as a continuing look at the qualities we believe are essential to healthy workplaces.  It seems even more fitting given the recent events in Colorado that we take a moment to re-consider how important respect is to people who work together.

Respect starts at the beginning

Learning respect obviously starts at home, where as small children we take on what our parents teach us.  Later, as we enter school, we are influenced by many others.   When we enter the working world, we learn about company cultures.  Since not all families and schools teach children the full benefits of learning respect, all of us can learn as adults to be more respectful of ourselves and others.  Sometimes we have to undo our early training, other times we can build upon what we learn.

In order to be able to enjoy the respect of others, we must first have respect for our self.  That means that we recognize that we are a person worthy of respect.   It means we don't make jokes or negative remarks that demean our abilities, our skills, our looks or other aspects of our self.  It means that we don't make jokes or negative remarks about the ability, skills or other attributes of others.

We must remember that each person in the world has a valuable role to fulfill, whether we agree with their way of doing it or not.  If their way of living interferes with the way we view the world, we must negotiate reasonable ways to work with them or find a different space to occupy, not condemn them for being who they are.  This aspect of respect is a challenge for many people.  However, with diligence, we can learn to be free from judgment and learn to accept that everyone has right to exist. 

color bullet Some examples of appropriate respect

The Tyrannical or Abusive Boss:

Example: A boss constantly criticizes our work, using very negative and derogatory words about everything we do. Should we respect him/her because they are "the boss"?

In this case, if we accept that the "boss" is better than we are and we "deserve" to be treated badly, we are showing lack of respect for our self.   This is not a healthy situation by any means. 

First, we must remember that we deserve to be treated without abuse regardless of the quality of our work.  If we know our work is very good and it is still being overly criticized, we are allowing ourselves to be demeaned unnecessarily.  If our work is of lower quality than is desired, we may need help in learning how to do better.  We still deserve respect.

We have some basic choices when faced with an abusive situations:

  1. Stay and fight back.  In this case, we can tell the boss that we are willing to listen to their constructive comments, but we are not willing to be abused. If they are not willing to treat us with reasonable respect, we should not stay in the situation for our own health and mental well-being. 
    In the majority of harassment cases, the harasser defends their actions by saying they only continued because the victim never complained.  In more than 60% of the cases where someone told a person to STOP their offensive behavior, that behavior stopped immediately. 
    Sometimes, fighting back by filing a formal complaint is the best way to proceed.   This is a very difficult choice for most of us.  It may cause us to be shunned by others, subject to retaliation or worse.  Sometimes, that action is enough to stop the abuse and to get the situation corrected.  Each person must decide for themselves which course to take.
  2. Stay and take it without complaining.  If we continue to allow the abuse, we are in effect telling the boss that we don't believe we are worthy of being treated with respect.  If we don't feel we are worthy of respect, why should anyone else respect us. This about this long and hard if you find yourself in a situation like this.
  3. We can leave.  Leaving a job due to an unpleasant situation is often an agonizing decision since we so much want to believe that it should not be the only way out.  However, if you consider the other 2 options, sometimes, this turns out to be the less difficult choice.
    Many people no longer will allow themselves to be abused and will find another situation or company where they can be happy and productive.  Abusive situations cannot sustain healthy, productive people.  Those people will be affected and become unhealthy fairly quickly.

We love the company, but . . .

Example: We love the company and the work we do.  The company enjoys good profits and the people work hard to make the company successful.   A new person joins the company who is very critical of everyone else, constantly harping on the way things are done and generally being disagreeable about everything and every one. 

In this case, the culture is healthy but a single person with an unhealthy outlook can contaminate it.  If this person is a manager or executive, they can do a lot of damage very quickly.  If they are a non-management employee, their influence is less powerful but still unhealthy.

In this situation, someone (preferably direct supervisor) should have a very blunt talk with them and their ability to fit into the company's culture.  They may suggest some specific training to teach the person how to work better with the others in the company.   This training must be reviewed and the person's behavior monitored to make sure they change in appropriate ways.

If they cannot adapt to the company culture, they must be moved out of the company so that they do not poison a healthy environment.  Notice that helping them to leave shows respect for the people who are working hard, without disrespect for the person who does not fit it.  We do not need to make them wrong for being who they are, simply let them know that their behavior is not appropriate in our situation.

We respectfully disagree . . .

Example: Someone we work with is adamant about how to market the widgets our company makes.  We strongly believe there is a "better" way to handle the marketing.

What to do before we destroy our ability to work together?

First of all, remember that each person's views and opinions are their own, developed from their own experience, their own skills and their view of the world.  That makes them right for them, but not necessarily right for others.  When people are willing to listen to others and realize this simple point, they can learn to appreciate the other person's views, even though they may never agree on what is "best".

A compromise is required by everyone involved.  One way to do this is in a group session where each person can share their views without criticism.  Then the group can consider which if the ideas to implement, which to consider for later and which ones need more research or development.  If no one is made to feel their ideas are wrong, the group can benefit from the active participation of all members of the team.

This scenario can work in the same for any subject that people disagree on.  No one has to change their own views or opinions, nor do they need to force theirs onto anyone else.  Yet, everyone can learn by listening with respect to what each person has to say.  This must be done without judgment, without anger and without disrespect of the other person.

In the example of marketing widgets, the company might decide to do a pilot test of several different methods and test the effectiveness of each before making a major commitment.  Or, they might combine some of the ideas into a different marketing strategy all together. 

By showing respect for others and listening, we can increase our own ability to think creatively, clearly and effectively.  Rarely does everyone agree on how to do something, so we can each learn something new if we are willing to listen and be open to new ideas and new ways of doing things.

Stubbornly refusing to listen to others, insisting that things only be done our way or believing our way is the only right way is a symptom of weakness, not a symbol of strength.  Even if we can't see it ourselves, everyone around us can.  When you catch yourself needing to be right or needing to be in control, imagine that there is a big sign over your head telling the world what a fool you are.  You can't see it but the rest of the world can.

Remember, Stubbornness and Arrogance are two of the 7 deadly personality dragons.  They will try their best to hide themselves from you. Most other people can see them clearly even when you can't.

color bullet Survey says . . . Supportive bosses key to satisfaction at work

This item was reported in the Orange County Register's Business Section on May 3, 1999:

"Employees don't leave jobs because of company performance; they leave because of their bosses. That's the finding of new research from the Gallup Organization.

"As part of a multiyear research project, Gallup identified good relationships between employees and supervisors as one of 12 key factors that consistently correlate with "quality" workplaces.

"Gallup defines a quality workplace as one that produces high levels of employee retention, customer satisfaction, productivity and profitability. <emphasis added>

"Gallup studied more than 80,000 managers during the course of its research and found that being a good manager means:

  • wanting to see employees grow and succeed;
  • matching the right people with the right roles;
  • defining desired outcomes while giving people the latitude to accomplish them in their own ways; and
  • focusing on what's best in people, not what's worst."

Note: The study is explained in more detail in newsletter article: August 1999 - It's the Manager....

Immanuel Kant on Respect:

“Act in such a way that you always treat humanity, whether in your own person or in the person of any other, never simply as a means, but always at the same time as an end.”

book graphic Books

  • 14,000 Things to be Happy About. Barbara Ann Kipfer. Workman Publishing Company; (April 1990) ISBN: 0894803700
  • Caring Enough to Confront: How to understand and express your deepest feelings towards others.  David Augsburger. Regal Books, Ventura, CA.  1981 ISBN 0-8307-0733-6
  • Games Bosses Play (36 Career Busters Your Supervisor May be Firing Your Way and How You can Defend Yourself).  Russell Wild.  McGraw-Hill/Contemporary Books; (September 1, 1997) ASIN: 0809230852
  • Jesus CEO: Using Ancient Wisdom for Visionary Leadership.  1995 Laurie Beth Jones. Hyperion, New York .ISBN 0-7868-8126-7
  • Love is Letting Go of Fear.  Gerald Jampolsky.  Original 1981; Celestial Arts; Revised edition (September 1988) ISBN: 0890872465
  • MetaBusiness: Creating a New Global Culture. Greg Nielson.  Conscious Books, 316 California, Suite 210, Reno, NV.  1991  ISBN 0-9619917-2-0
  • Speaking Your Mind in 101 Difficult Situations. Don Gabor, Simon & Schuster, New York. 1994 ISBN 0-671-79505-8
  • Teach Only Love: The 12 Principles of Attitudinal Healing.  Gerald Jampolsky.  Original 1983. Beyond Words Publishing Co; 2nd edition (May 2000) ISBN: 1582700338
  • The Addictive Organization, Anne Wilson Schaef.  Harper SanFrancisco; (September 1990) ISBN: 0062548743   (everyone in a corporation should read this one ­ most enlightening !)
  • The Heart Aroused: Poetry and the Preservation of the Soul in Corporate America.  Currency/Doubleday; (June 1996)  ISBN: 0-385-48418-6
  • The Knight in Rusty Armor, Robert Fisher. Wilshire Book Co; (May 1989) ISBN: 0879804211
  • When I say no, I feel guilty (bestseller on Assertiveness Training). Manuel J. Smith. Bantam/Non-Fiction; Reissue edition (February 1, 1975) ISBN: 0553263900
  • Will the Real Me Please Stand Up?: 25 Guidelines for Good Communication.  John Powell, Thomas More Publishing; Reprint edition (June 1995) ISBN: 088347316X
  • Words That Heal Today.  Ernest Holmes. Original 1949,   Health Communications; 3rd edition (May 1999) ISBN: 1558746854
  • Zapp: The Lightning of Empowerment: How to Improve Productivity,Quality, and Employee Satisfaction, William Byham, Jeff Cox. Fawcett Books; Revised edition (February 1998) ISBN: 0449002829

World Wide Web graphic  Internet Resources

Related newsletter article:  August 1999 - It's the Manager....

smiley graphic Humor

  • Modern Manners: An Etiquette Book for Rude People.  P.J. O'Rourke.   Atlantic Monthly Press, New York  1989.  ISBN 0-87113-375-X

Message Posted to the Spirituality in the Workplace group

Subject: Recent Events
Date: 29 Apr 1999
To: Spirituality in the Workplace List

In the last week, I've had discussions with several people about the tragedy in Littleton, Colorado and how we, as concerned spiritual leaders, can help deal with the wide ripple effects of such incidents in our society. As parents, teachers, community leaders, spiritual leaders, family members and concerned citizens, how many of us have asked "how could this have happened" and "could this happen to me/my family/my community"? I woke up this morning with this on my mind and wanted to share some thoughts that have finally made their way out of my sub-conscious into my conscious mind.

First and foremost, we must refrain from judging those involved - whether the police, the teachers, the school district; the students who initiated this horrible event, their parents or peers; the other students involved and the media. Judging them harshly and criticizing them for whatever actions they did or did not do cannot help anyone. The deed is done and we cannot undo it.

What can help is to try to understand what might have set the stage for such an event and look at how we as a society, we as community leaders and we as parents and teachers can make a difference so that such events do not re-occur.

As parents, aunts/uncles, grandparents, teachers, coaches or others involved with young people, we can talk to children and teenagers about these events, then listen to their views. We must be willing to hear them with our heart as well as our ears. We must be willing to hear their pain, confusion and fears that something similar might happen to them, their friends, their school or their family. And, we must be willing to be involved in helping them come to some resolution of what steps might be advisable should they encounter situations that have the potential to become violent situations. We must be willing to help them develop coping strategies that could save their life or the life of their friends should they find themselves in any violent situation.

We must be willing to fulfill our role as "elders" in teaching our young people right from wrong and making sure that their learning experiences are giving them the values that we want to teach. This involves paying attention to the television programs they watch, the video games they are allowed to play, the way they treat others at home and outside the home, the way they use the Internet and the type of behavior we demonstrate to them in the way we conduct our own lives. We must be aware of the influence of drugs, alcohol and weapons they may encounter and be willing to face the possibility that our children could be involved. We cannot pretend that it can't happen to us — it happens every day to parents who never thought it could happen in their family.

We must be willing to help create laws and protections for our citizens that do not destroy our historic value on individual freedom. This is a major challenge for our society, since freedom is a core US value, as is the right to bear arms. We cannot over-react to one incident by destroying that foundation in hasty reaction.

We must also find a way to have compassion for those who were personally touched by this tragedy, including the parents of the young men who caused it. The comment by one set of parents — "we loved our son as much as we knew how to love a child" — screams with the heart-break and agony they must feel to have played a role in this tragic event.

I cannot fully appreciate what they must feel. As a parent of two wonderful sons who have grown into caring, considerate men, I feel blessed and grateful every day that they are who they are. Especially seeing how disappointed some of my friends are in their children who developed into someone they no longer understand. Some folks who are knowledgeable in such things, suggest that these 2 boys were Nazis in their former life, blindly dedicated to an ideal that wanted to destroy any who were not like them — cold, unloving, heartless individuals reborn into this country and still carrying the memories of that former life over into this one, which could not be erased by current parental and societal influence or genetics.

Whether you believe in reincarnation or not, I think it is safe to say that there are so many factors that play into any person's development that we can never be sure we ever fully understand what might motivate someone to do what those 2 boys did. We are left to wonder "why?" ... "why me?" or "why not me?"

What we know about violence in the workplace and in our society is that the people involved usually react out of fear, often terror. Work situations that are unhealthy, disrespectful of employees, where people are verbally abused day in and day out, are breeding grounds for violence, injuries and on-the-job accidents, harassment cases, discrimination cases, high employee turnover, high employee sickness, lawsuits, product failures, and much more. We have seen research supporting this and done our own surveys that demonstrate the links between unhealthy corporate cultures and high numbers of injuries on the job, and the links between healthy, productive corporate culture with low number of injuries on the job.

What I would like to ask this group to consider is this: how can we — as people who have impact on others — help make our society and our workplace a safer place to be? Many on this list have shared what they are doing already. I'd like to ask each one of us to think about what else we might BE AS AN EXAMPLE, what we might DO or what we might SAY, that would help soften the harshness in our society and our workplace, and how we might increase the humanity and gentleness of the area that we influence. You may share those thoughts or ideas here if you feel inclined so that others might learn from them.

I apologize for the length of this message and look forward to hearing from anyone who would like to add to the dialog.

Barbara

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